It’s been exactly a month. 28 straight days of hearing
machines beeping and nurses flowing in every direction. 28 straight days of a
tiny hospital room becoming our temporary place of residence. 28 straight days
of not seeing improvement or even answer on if she will fully recover. 28
straight days of hearing her soft voice silenced. 28 straight days of seeing her
beautiful eyes closed. 28 straight days of seeing needles infiltrate her arm
and neck veins. 28 straight days of seeing a tube launched down her throat
hearing the sound of air pumping into her lungs. 28 straight days of seeing her
body mass change from normal to puffy to frail. 28 straight days of wondering
how could our lives go from having so many great new things happening, to us
being here. 28 straight days of seeing her lying in a bed hooked up to multiple
contraptions in a helpless state…and there’s not a damn thing I can do about
it.
When I repeated the words “In sickness and in health” over 2
years ago, I meant it with all of my heart. I just didn’t expect to have to act
on it this early. Standing at the end of a hospital bed looking at my 28 year
old wife on a respirator wasn’t supposed to happen. 90 years old, 80 years old,
heck even 60 years old maybe. But 28 years old? No. Never in a millions year
would I have thought we’d be here…but we are.
I’ve pondered on those vows I made on May 18th,
2013. “In sickness and in health…” As I look back on it I realize they aren’t
and shouldn’t be just a phrase repeated, but are and should be a promise
remained true to no matter the timing or situation.
This is no doubt the toughest thing I’ve ever gone through in
my life. My body is tired. My soul is weary. My spirit is weak. My mental is debilitated.
But somehow someway I’m still standing. I’m still pushing. I’m still finding my
way to this small room to be next to her trying my best to be optimistic
telling myself as I whisper in her ear “We’re going to be alright.” Am I okay?
No. Am I fine? No. Am I doing well? No. Am I weak? Yes. Am I angry? Yes. Am I unhappy?
Yes. Am I questioning what God is doing? Yes. But if I give up I wouldn’t just be
giving up on myself. I’d be giving up on her, I’d be giving up on our family,
and I’d be giving up on God.
Despite what I see in front of me, even though I’m
questioning Him I still have just enough faith that God has something brighter to
be seen ahead of me. I made a vow to God and to Tanndra to love and not give up
in sickness and in health. I’m making it my mission to excel on that promise
not only because it’s my duty as a man of God and a husband, but even much so because
I love her to time’s end and I simply wouldn’t want to do anything else but be
here for/with her at this moment.
This experience has shown me something new and revealing. I thought
there was no way I could love her any more than I did before all of this
happened, but these 28 days have produced another level. It’s been 28 straight
days of loving her even more as I see her love to fight for herself, us, and
our family shown and felt even in an incapacitated state. 28 straight days of
seeing just how cared about by others she is as a person and we are as a
couple. 28 straight days of faith I’ve preached to others to have in misfortune,
be put to the test for myself to have in my misfortune. 28 straight days of
witnessing my life and ministry mature in a way I never knew could happen right
before my eyes as each day continues to pass. 28 straight days of seeing a beautiful,
intelligent, God-loving and God-fearing young woman physically fight the hardest
battle of her life with each day ending in a small victory because she isn’t
giving up. 28 straight days of anticipating the incredible testimony she will
have that is going to bless thousands reaching beyond our known boundaries. 28
straight days of hearing the strong heartbeat of a precious gift that’s been
inside her for four months and has endured this agony with her, yet is as resilient
of a fighter as the two who produced him/her.
It’s going to be long journey ahead, but we have a fighting
family…and we got this. #NMDAWontWin
