My Plans and God's Laughs

Whether it was Heathcliff Huxtable guiding Theo, Denise, Rudy and the crew, Uncle Phil embracing Will, Carlton, Hillary, and Ashley or Carl Winslow encouraging Eddie, Laura and Judy, watching these men on my favorite TV shows when I was younger always made me excited at the chance of becoming a father. I anticipated my family of 4 or 5, living life as I envisioned and planned for us to. But as the old Yiddish proverb says, “Man plans, God laughs.”

God has certainly done much laughing in my life these past few months. Seeing my wife for the past 100 straight nights in a hospital bed were not my plans. Not being able to experience the simple joys of taking pregnancy pictures or participating in childbirth classes were not my plans. Having to spend 15 out the 28 weeks of this pregnancy battling a rare brain disorder that destroyed our comfortable equilibrium were not my plans. To have expectations of a normal healthy birth February 27^th be shattered by the bombshell of an involuntary alternative with risks December 3^rd were not my plans. Sitting in a room surrounded by a team of doctors fresh off a final evaluation leading them to break the unwanted unfortunate news to me that my first time having a child with my wife will be my last time having a child with my wife because removing the very anatomy that makes it possible for her to give life is the only way she can recover from this horrid disorder…were not my plans.

As I wait in this hospital room reflecting on everything that’s transpired these couple of months an hour before my life hits another milestone, I can’t help but think about one of the comments I’ve received most from people. “Wesley, I don’t see how you’re handling all of this so well. It's amazing.” My casual response has been, “I don’t see how I’m handling it so well either.” All night I thought about this mystery, determined (perhaps because nerves did not allow to sleep) to figure out a true answer. And what I’ve realized after all this time is that despite countless moments of frustration, sadness, loneliness, disappointment, and stress…overall my soul and spirit has been resting in the bosom of a divine peace and tranquility so great that even though this situation is before me, it has not held me.

Has it poked me? Yes. Has it touched me? Yes. Has it prodded me? Yes. But it has not held me. If it held me, depression would’ve caused my demise by now. If it held me, lost hope would’ve left me with a languished heart by now. If it held me, tears I’ve cried would’ve led to a tipping point so overwhelming it may have been impossible to come back from. The reason it has not held me is because I’ve been held by something else. God’s grace. And God’s grace is so robust that when held by it, there’s no room for you to be held by anything else.

Even though I may not be able to have a house full of children as I wanted like Heathcliff, Uncle Cliff, or Carl to support, lecture and raise, I’m yet beyond thankful for the one gift God has given me through a son I’m getting ready to meet soon. “Man plans, God laughs.” Just because God laughs at our plans doesn’t mean God abandons our plans. He only alters them. I’ll take God’s alteration over abandonment any day.

I’m looking forward to what the future holds. Prayerfully a future of complete recovery for my wife. A future of total health for my son. A future of greatness and favor for our family. A future where God continues to laugh when I plan, but within His laughing still comes blessings…even if it’s in a different form.